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For the last 6 months suicide has been foremost in my mind: being a Brit, I have zero access to firearms so have planned in some detail how I will hang myself. I have held fire and not gone through with it because: a) I don’t want to put my parents and brothers through it & b) I’m having trouble working up the courage to actually do it.
I’m on a couple of antidepressants but don’t want to seek any further help from my gp for fear he’ll reduce my opioid levels (prescribed for chronic pain). That’s how it is.
2 or 3 months ago, one night after drinking about 1 litre of gin and taking about 20mg of clonazepam I was found by the police at 4am trying to set fire to a lorry. I shit you not. I don’t have an arsonist’s bone in my body. NEVER done this before. They found me crouched down besided it’s fuel tank, having already removed the tank’s cap, trying to light a leaf to drop into the tank.. Although I remember nothing, the police say that when they asked me what I was doing I said “Trying to set fire to this lorry”.
I answered bail a month ago and was questioned with a lawyer present. On said lawyer’s advice I “took the 5th” and “No commented” my way through the interview. And was bailed to reappear at the police station tomorrow (on the 4th of august) when they’d tell me what they were going to do.
Truth be told I KNOW I was trying to kill myself that night and that was why I was trying to set fire to a lorry. There’s intoxicated logic there if you dig deep enough.
My lawyer said that they’d LOST the original crime report and that apart from that they didn’t really have much and the chances were they’d either drop the case completely or caution me (give me a formal warning). No way it’d go to court. But I just got a call from him saying they ARE going to prosecute me.
I’m so full of despair. I’m originally trained as a teacher and got a caution for possession of class c drugs back in 2006 but otherwise have zero criminal record. However now, with a conviction for attempted arson, I’ll NEVER be employed by a school again. That’s it. Career over.
I’ve told my two brothers about all this but my parents don’t know and because it’s a smallish town and my dad is vicar of said town, there’s now an excellent possibility that my case will be written up in the local paper. And I’m SO ashamed for my sake AND for my family’s sake should this become common knowledge in my town.
Please help. I’m now feeling SO suicidal. Like going to hang myself in the next few days suicidal. That’s surely it for me.