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The Jawa Report
October 29, 2007
Bush has also damaged my mental health.
After I actually took the trouble to inform myself about politics a couple years ago, and learned the true extent of the damage Bush has done to this country, I have a constant boiling rage inside me. Absolutely constant. Never ceases, though sometimes I can get it down to a simmer so I can go out in public and hang out with friends without doing something stupid. On top of the anger is a generous dose of fear and anxiety, coming directly from the Bush administration’s march to fascism.
Frequently, I’m so intensely angry that I hit things. I just broke my bookshelf today because I hit it. My knuckles have decent callouses on them from hitting things, and various pieces of my property show signs of my rage. Thankfully, I’ve never turned violent against people since I was in high school, though I was sorely tempted to deviate the septum of a wingnut who called me a traitor and faggot to my face at the anti-war march last Saturday.
Of course, it’s unhealthy to harbor this much anger, especially if I’m stuffing it down all the time so people around me don’t see me acting borderline psychotic. These emotions leak out, turn into other emotions, like depression, which I’ve fought with since college. I’ve also developed a venomous hatred of Bush and his cronies and the 23-percenters that support him. Hatred’s never a good emotion to hold, but there it is. I literally hate those motherf*ckers who are destroying our country.
By all rights, I should be getting help, but I’m not going to. I was soured on the psychiatry business by my experience with anti-depressants – I ended up nearly emotionless, apathetic, and lost my motivation and creative drive, and as a result, I was unemployed for three years and had to move back in with my parents. I was your classic anti-depressant zombie. They didn’t like the changes to my personality either, and stopped paying for the meds. After I tapered off the anti-depressants, I got my drive back, I was able to find work as a software engineer again, move into my own apartment, and now I’m supporting myself again. On top of that, if I told a counselor about my feelings, or that I’m so afraid of my government that I literally spent several hundred dollars on a shotgun, a deadly weapon, to defend myself against my government, I’m afraid I could get thrown into the psych ward. And I value my freedom enough that I will not allow that to happen under any circumstances. So, no shrinks.
I haven’t talked to my best friend and ex-roommate in weeks because of a few personal issues between us, including politics – he’s Republican, and though he’s no fan of Bush, he constantly mocks and belittles my politics when I talk to him. So I don’t.”